Good evening, this is By an Idiot. I am your idiot, Mr. Clown. Night has fallen, and it is time for the vampires to rise from their crypts. The best defense from these bloodsuckers is being an introvert and never inviting anyone over. I can attest that a habit of long, lonely hours locked away in my room has on more than one occasion saved my life when the rest of my family perished horribly. Thankfully, the nearest necromancer can resurrect the dog and cat, and adoption services allow for quick replacements of any children you may have been responsible for. Just keep the receipts of the last stock of kids, and the warranty will often cover replacements of equal value.
In other news: there have been reports of a maniac luring children away from orphanages only to return their blood drained corpses in a few months’ time.
The second best defense against the vampire menace, if one has made the mistake of inviting such a fiend into his house, is the invaluable decoy. Animals sometimes work, if the vampire is not picky, but generally another human is required. Here, the vampire might even assist you. You might try leaving a note before sealing yourself away into a safe room inquiring after the vampire’s tastes. He might reply something like, children. You may even create an equitable relationship from here, one where you supply the children, and he supplies the not killing you.
If, however, you notice some miserliness on the part of the orphanages, one might consider the purchase of a clown costume. This has multiple benefits: In my own experience, I have found a certain vampire put off by some colorful clothing, a painted smile, and the incessant laughter of a madman. The clown costume, though, may also help circumvent the orphanages by way of reaching the children directly.
As orphans are public property, I see no reason why the police have taken such an interest in my private activities. All the same, this last bit of advice may avail some of you. Should all else fail, one could consider a stay at a local insane asylum. I’ve had no trouble booking my reservation. And, after all I’ve gone through, I could use a vacation. As a bonus, asylums generally do not permit vampires, and their pharmaceutical regimen help ward off any revenant spirits of children that may or may not return every night to drag you to Hell.
‘Til we meet again, Mr. Clown.