Lunacy

I want to belong, but the light is fading. All around me friends hug each other; I shake hands. I go for the door. Outside is silence. The moon governs the night, and just now she is full and in her zenith. To me, what is man but a wavering light? So beautiful, and I watch. I claim no part with humanity, but part with humanity, wandering into the night. My thoughts are my own, but my words come out of me unbidden. I despise the integration they all have because I long for it; I long to be a part, but always am apart. The closer I come, the further I grow. But alone I am king; king of nothing I am. A king is still king.

If I grow my kingdom, if I spread my domain, will one come? Who will I be? What worth is there found in success? Will I not still be alone? Even when one comes, would I not then be alone? It all seems worthless. Can I not cut out this want?

I hate this weakness in my nature, my lack of self-sufficiency. Why does it destroy me, this loneliness? It is no metaphor: My chest hurts; my heart aches. No relief, just forgetfulness and recognition cycling like the darkness and light of the moon: Tonight the light is full, I see and feel and know my loneliness. If only I could forget, but what proclaims Nevermore?

Would I were worth the trouble, then I could accept the love around me, but I am worthless. There is the truth: I hate my very being; I hate existence; All I long for are dreams. In the darkness this is true.

But in the light: Humanity is so beautiful. And every little detail is mine to behold. I watch the stage of life play out wonderfully. Harmony, surprise, drama.

And I walk away.

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3 Comments

  1. I can identify with your post. I’ve always felt like an outsider, observing others hugging. It’s kind of like the Doors song, People are Strange. I’m still not a hugger type, but I’ve found that I do better when I associate with other misfits like myself, especially through service. A buddy and I are volunteering at the Eugene Mission, which means we’re getting to know extremely lonely people, homeless folks. My own sense of alienation from humanity has diminished and the Lord has been opening doors to other forms of ministry. Anyway, I just wanted to offer some hope to the lonely person in your post. Blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

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