I want to belong, but the light is fading. All around me friends hug each other; I shake hands. I go for the door. Outside is silence. The moon governs the night, and just now she is full and in her zenith. To me, what is man but a wavering light? So beautiful, and I watch. I claim no part with humanity, but part with humanity, wandering into the night. My thoughts are my own, but my words come out of me unbidden. I despise the integration they all have because I long for it; I long to be a part, but always am apart. The closer I come, the further I grow. But alone I am king; king of nothing I am. A king is still king.
If I grow my kingdom, if I spread my domain, will one come? Who will I be? What worth is there found in success? Will I not still be alone? Even when one comes, would I not then be alone? It all seems worthless. Can I not cut out this want?
I hate this weakness in my nature, my lack of self-sufficiency. Why does it destroy me, this loneliness? It is no metaphor: My chest hurts; my heart aches. No relief, just forgetfulness and recognition cycling like the darkness and light of the moon: Tonight the light is full, I see and feel and know my loneliness. If only I could forget, but what proclaims Nevermore?
Would I were worth the trouble, then I could accept the love around me, but I am worthless. There is the truth: I hate my very being; I hate existence; All I long for are dreams. In the darkness this is true.
But in the light: Humanity is so beautiful. And every little detail is mine to behold. I watch the stage of life play out wonderfully. Harmony, surprise, drama.
And I walk away.