Achilles Amok

by Dr. Agonson

During my overnight stay at the hotel Seagull, a comfortable resting point on the pacific coast—it was a bit touristy but alright, I attempted to sleep. But by an unfortunate happenstance that night an idiotic buffoon had ideas contrary to mine, and seemed utterly intent upon keeping the entire hotel awake. It was when sitting down upon the side of my bed as I eagerly kicked off my shoes and imaged all the wonderful things I would do in the morn that there was suddenly a long drawn out cry that echoed through the halls.

“NO!” Came the startling call.  “AH!”

I jumped up from the soft and inviting bed, an action I latter regretted, and ran to the door pulling the latches back hurriedly trying to answer this call for help. I had already pulled off my socks and so as I stumbled into the hallway I felt the overly fuzzy carpet that all hotels seem to have push up against my feet and through my toes, and the softness made me dream of that soft bed I had just left in hopes of nobly assisting my fellow man in need. But the naked man standing in the hall soon clarified the truly disturbing events that were to occur.

The hotel security had been laid down, speckling the hallway in a way akin to what one would expect to see in some b-class action movie after a fight scene starring Chuck Norris or Mr. T. The young and beautiful brunet who had handed me my floppy plastic key across the desk when I had checked in earlier was now draped across the nudist’s shoulder by her midsection, her legs kicking wildly in front of her captor.

Upon seeing me the mad man smiled, stretching his lips back far opened his mouth in a grandiose show of friendliness and warmth. He dropped the girl who ran away as best she could with her broken shoe heal and tight skirt.

“Odysseus!” He cried. Then the horribly buff and naked man rushed forward like a great stag bounding over the unconscious men as he spread his arms wide and embraced me. “A familiar face at last!” He said as he pulled me into the most uncomfortable hug in the history of all hugs.

Unable to free myself I gazed over the man’s shoulder and counted the security men lying along the length of the hallway, three, six, eight. Eight men were powerless against this hugging fiend. It was upon reviewing this fact I decided the most self-preserving action would be to play along. So I hugged him back, the most disgusting action I had ever participated in. I listened to the soft opening and closing of doors as people poked their heads out and quickly retreated to the supposed safety of their rooms.

“I apologize if these were your men king Odysseus, but once you hear my story you’ll understand. I had just sailed in before the last rays from the chariot of Helios fell beyond the great divide of the horizon. A great storm had sent us adrift and we knew not if we would make land. So once we landed upon this beach, my men and I…”

Good Lord, there’s more of them! I thought.

“…headed toward this establishment to make rest, and enjoy the fruits of this strange land. That was about a night ago. So, this morning, I wished to use the bathhouse I had seen when we entered, it is a marvelous thing, and if you have not familiarized yourself with it yet do. Be wary though, as my tale will tell. It is a great indoor pool with many depths and has boards extruding over the deeper waters for one to jump off of and dive into the cool bath. This jumping became great sport for me and my men. We had all striped in these ‘locker rooms,’ wherein one can store clothes, and headed out. The pool was empty, except for a scrawny young man who was running a net through the water. Without looking up this tall fellow said, ‘the pool’s opened in five minutes you’ll…’ here he trailed off as he looked up and gawked, obviously enamored by my beautiful form.”

He had finally set me down, and I stood still as he continued his story. “Without a further word he dashed out through an exit, and the pool was ours. But it was not before an hour that these men,” he gestured about the floor, “came in and told us that we must not swim in the nude! I ask you, how else is one to swim?”

“I, I have no idea.” I said as I kept my eyes firmly fixed above his shoulders.

“Well they told us that we would find for ourselves personal bathing areas within our rooms. So we each decided to forgo bathing for now, don our cloths, and enjoy this little beach. They are a strange people that live here. One kind is totally bent upon selling strange wares—such as these things called hoodies, and tee-shirts—that all say ‘sea-side’ upon them. The other kind is totally bent upon buying these items. Unfortunately, no one accepts our gold coinage here, and instead use strange pieces of green paper for currency, so I could not acquire any of these odd pieces of apparel.

“But I digress. Here, in point, is the reason I have laid these enemies of hygiene low. I and my men returned to our rooms, and each found this ‘wash tube’ these goons,” he cast his arms about the floor with pride, “were so adamant about our washing in.”

“The bathtub?” I said in disbelief.

“The bathtub.” He said again with a great snarl. “It is not a bathtub, that thing they wish us to wash in could not fit a small boy!” He yelled at the top of his lungs. “Now, I and my men returned to the giant bathhouse, and there we washed. But no sooner had we cast down our towels from about our waists when all the occupants started to scream and run out. Well we started to bath again, and jump off those boards when these men returned.

“‘Sir,’ he said, ‘please step out of the pool.’

“‘Sir!’ I said. ‘You have chased us off once with promises of bathing rooms adjoining each of our rooms, but we have now seen these baths!’ I told him. ‘If you call those bathes to my face again you will learn of my great wrath. Many a man have I, the great and powerful Achilles, lain low, and you and your small party hold no fear over us! Now we shall bath to our hearts content and when we are done we shall return to our ship for your land is a most inhospitable place.’”

“So you’re going to leave now?” I asked hopefully.

“Ah, wait till you hear what that man said next. He said, ‘Sir, please leave the pool immediately or we’ll call the cops.’ Well you know I am not one to be threatened. So I leaped out of the pool and charged these men. The battle was short and they retreated to this hall where I finished them”

“Hands up!” One of the ten policemen flooding in from the end of the hall yelled.

Achilles turned from me, “If you will excuse me, Odysseus, I must see to these men.” He then leapt from the ground and soared through the air until finally landing in the fray of policemen.

I turned and looked at my door number, 14-b. Stepping forward I slide my floppy plastic card through the lock as I felt the weight of my day crushing me. A screaming police man flew over my head. “Beeeb-ba-beeb.” The lock sounded with a flash of red. I slid the card again, “Beeeb-ba-beeb.” With great reluctance I slid down onto the floor and ran the squishy white carpet through my fingers. Yawning I laid down my head and tried to sleep over the din of the brawling nudist.


Listen to my beautiful voice:

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